And she gave me a gift of broken bones

This past week my daughter broke her arm. We all handled it like troopers. My husband was away on a business trip – isn’t that how it always is? – so I had to handle the situation on my own. There are times when all that negative self talk in my head gets to me. I mean isn’t that all part life’s crazy journey to come to realize not to listen to the nasty, self sabotaging messages in my head? I wasn’t going to let that happen with the situation. I was shutting off that voice telling me I’m no good or incapable. I just wasn’t going to listen. I stepped up as I always do. During this latest drama, one of my best friends shared a conversation she had with my sister where my sister mentioned that I’m good in a crisis. I thought that was nice. It’s funny how we see ourselves compared to the way that others see us. I didn’t go into panic mode and I got things taken care of. In fact, I may have even swung a little too far the other way by not taking help when it was offered because I was so worried about the negative scenarios my head was trying to create. It’s a fine balance, stepping up to the plate, knowing when its OK to ask for help and when it’s time to go it alone. It’s tricky to know when to push myself to get the job done or when it’s time to think “girlfriend you’re crazy! Take a step back and be a little more realistic.” I am finding myself in these places a lot lately but it is good. It is good I am seeing my steps and making the adjustments when I can and learning for the next time. I have to say though that I don’t want there to be a next time on the broken bone thing.

Along with a broken bone comes a whole host of lessons and learning. I want to share, I think, the most important lesson of this past week now. Amidst all the chaos of the day and days that have followed I’ve had one epiphany. Everyone was saying, “Oh so sorry, you’ve got a long road head of you. She’s going to need tons of help. How difficult and inconvenient for you.” As I started to tighten and add that to the ever mounting stress ball of my life… I stopped myself. Nope! Not this one. I’m going to look at this one differently, because I can.

Even though the next 6 to 8 weeks are going to be difficult and she will require lots of help, I am not going to let it get me. I intend to look at it all as a gift the universe has given me, a precious gift of regaining lost time.… As most of you know, my children are adopted and I didn’t get them home with me until they were two years old. There are many times that I feel a little gipped that I missed the crucial bonding time in the early years with them. They were both fiercely independent by the time they came home, because they had to be. Now, with a cast past her elbow on her dominant arm, she’ll need a little bit more help again. Though I certainly helped her when she was two and I tried to be a present parent, I just couldn’t take it all in no matter how hard I tried. So I am not going to miss this opportunity that’s been presented to me for a second time. I am enjoying the time we have to shower, brush hair, or get dressed. I will not let it frustrate me. I know it’s going to put more pressure on me in the studio and my work hours may have to be a bit more flexible but that’s okay by me. Soon enough she will be grown. I see how fast it all goes and know we missed some time together and ache for it. For as much attention as I  pay to to each of the moments, it’s all still going so fast and I still feel like I’m missing some days even with my conscious continual effort to be present. So, let me tell you, I’m taking extra time because, soon enough, it will be gone.